177

2 years later I still feel the vicious bite of that number, its recurrence bitingly ironic.

Rarely does the grief associated with my daughter’s diabetes diagnosis reveal itself. Time has dulled the experience.

A change in my peanut’s treatment needs temporarily flares this cyclical grief and I submit to raw feelings with little hope of staunching the spread.

I am not broken

I am not broken
I am whole.

I feel I love I sing I cry.
I am not broken.

I am not in pieces
I am not put together
I am just as I should be.

I am not broken
I am
whole in Gods’ eyes
whole in my husband’s eyes.

I am mother student person whole.
I am not broken
I am whole.




Do you know how it feels to be broken?

Do you know the feeling when others perceive that you are broken; that they feel you cannot accomplish what your body was simply created and put to task to do without their guidance because you are less than whole, less than perfect, lacking, diseased, or broken?

Do you know how it feels to have the label broken?

I am not broken, and perhaps, I am using the form of verse to state this fact, to share its truth, and to broadcast my realization that their truth is not mine. I am not broken.

I am whole.


(edit: The pregnancy is going beautifully. I am 17 weeks and 2 days along. My kidneys are functioning beautifully. My a1c is 7.5. My gastroparesis is HELL. My poor hubby thinks I have the worst breath on earth, but I am doing the best I can. My baby is beautiful and whole and content and deeply comfortable within my warm and fluid depths!

This pregnancy is a journey not just as I embark on the creation of my final child, but also a realization that I am not a statistic, I am not a number, and there are choices that I can make in regards to my body and my care that perhaps others may not understand.

I am not my diabetes, my vascular system, my back disease, my kidneys, nor even my a1c. I am a person that has a person within me.

I am blessed with one of the most arduous yet awesome tasks that God has perhaps ever seen fit to task any woman with. That is to aid in bringing a child into the world. I am working hard, and trusting God; trusting that God does not make broken people.

This entry is intensely personal and painful for me.
I will perhaps never describe to anyone (other than my husband) exactly what this entry is for and to me, but I think you can understand the general gist.)