Subconscious Revealed….

This morning, around 4 or 4:30 am, I had a revelation. This was one of those “a-HA!” light bulb moments that you may have a few times in your life while in the plane of partially asleep, partially awake. I remember in college, while taking programming classes (and oftentimes the more advanced math classes), I would go to bed unable to figure out a problem, and in my sleep I would continue to do the work, and suddenly awaken with a similar “a-HA!” moment. Well, this had nothing to do with scholarly exploits, but more to do with how I am subconsciously dealing with my inner fears.

I realized at 4 am that I did not want to run because I was afraid. This is not a shocking realization, and honestly I’m not sure why I fought this for so darn long (a few weeks). I’ve been running for over a year now, but I’ve always run in the daylight. Mid-afternoon or mid-morning daylight. Daylight and traffic are all elements that lend to my feelings of safety during my runs. In fact the last time I ran alone in the dark, I was assaulted, fifteen years ago. Is it no wonder I have been DREADING going out to do something I love?

With this realization of my fear, I decided that I don’t have to run in the mornings during the week. I can run twice a week on the weekends because then I can run when it isn’t dark and I feel safer. I can run in the mornings if one morning I’m so inclined, but otherwise, I have TONS of tae bo tapes and other miscellaneous exercise tapes (courteous of Bob!). I had this realization and made this decision at 4:30 am and at 5:40 I was up and at em to do a round of Tae Bo. It isn’t the perfect solution, but with my schedule, this is what I can do, and I can work with this! I don’t have to leave the house and compromise my feelings of safety, but I can still work out! And on weekends I can do my running thing. Also, maybe when it starts getting lighter out in the mornings I can venture out to do morning running again. All this, and I just bought a reflective vest!

I knew inwardly that this was the reason I wasn’t waking up and going out. I may never eliminate this fear, and I guess that is okay. I want to enjoy what I am doing. I love to run, and I don’t intend to stop, but I need to work within my own limitations (emotionally and physically).

To end this entry, I got a few words of wisdom from Bob this morning, and I thought you all might enjoy it. Bob works with hardwood flooring, and because of the nature of his job (being in construction areas, etc) he goes through quite a few phones. So here goes:


“after talking to you I had to go back up to get my cipro and this time I
watched my phone fall out of my hoodie pocket onto the seat. It reminded me
of watching my last phone fall into the toilet directly from my hoodie pocket.(happened on two occasions) So watch out for the hoodie pocket you never know when it will get rid of it's contents.”