Sometimes life just seems so fucking hard. I don’t know where I am going to find the energy to keep doing everything. I keep looking for the hidden break. I keep expecting things to ease up, until one day, exhausted from another day of always being one or two steps behind in EVERYTHING, it hits me…..It will NEVER get better. This is my life, one day at a time, everything all at once, for the REST of my life. And not only that, the pressures will only increase. The expectations will only get higher.
Sandis gets sent home every month with a reading worksheet. Each time you spend 20 or more minutes reading with Sandis you initial one of the THIRTY stars. Last month, I sent it in incomplete. I missed five of the stars. I do what I can. Sandis’s teacher sent it back with big, bad, bold letters scrawled on it “YOU NEED TO COMPLETE!!!!” I thought about completing it, but realized that I would never finish February’s stars if I tried to complete Januarys. So I threw it away. Whatever.
I realized today, while I sat in my car waiting for my coworker to get there so I could go inside and work, that perhaps I feel this way because I start my period in six days. I always get wired up right before my period. Anxious. Raw. Feeling like a failure.
When am I supposed to do everything? Really? I have so many things I need to do so my children grow up into wonderful adults (or rather continue to live as children in some cases) that I have no time to cook, clean, iron, launder. My house is falling apart as I’m running from one appointment to the next. My job, (haha, job)…..I worked 22.9 hours last week. Need I say more on that? And then, my relationship with Bob. I am so fucking overwhelmed that EVERYTHING he does is rubbing me the wrong way. There is no way on earth he can ever understand how I’m feeling. I try to explain, but it doesn’t change how I feel.
I feel like I can’t be overwhelmed. I don’t have time. I feel like I want to give up. I feel like I will never have help. I feel like even if I ask for help I’ll never get it. Even the respite seems too far away, seeing as how I have no clue when I can actually use it, or even how to use it. And once I get the respite, I’ll probably want to use the time to clean the house.
I need to focus more on my blessings and my gratuity. I have been blessed with two wonderful children. Being their sole provider, advocate, care attendant, nurse, mommy, love, their EVERYTHING has me totally running on empty. How can I be a good mum when I feel like this? How can I be a good mum when their antics have me wanting to scream rather than snuggle?
Bob keeps mentioning that I don’t have fun anymore. I don’t even know what fun IS anymore. I wouldn’t know what to do if I had the time to fit in fun among my mile long list of to-do’s. I don’t know what to say to him not thinking I know how to have fun. All of it makes me want to weep, to be sorrowful and mopey. I am only equipped with so much. I can only do so much. And how do I communicate to everyone that I have too much on my plate?
I just so wish I could give the diabetes back. I wish I could trade in her legs for a better pair. I want her to be healthy. I don’t want to know everything I know. I didn’t ask for this. I need to feel sorry for myself. I need to cry over lost expectations. It has only been a few months and it is all still so hard and I don’t know how to make it different.
There is an immense physical pain that is a result of my grief. It grips my chest, my throat, my teeth, my temples. Have you ever felt this? The onslaught of your emotions as a physical sensation?
This too will pass. It just has to.
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7 comments:
Hey, you aren't alone...seems that a few of us are hitting a rough patch at the moment. I know it sucks, but I think in a way it's good. I think we learn a lot about who we are during these diffiult times. And we muddle through somehow.
Hang in there... you will get through it.
Sarah,
Hang in there. I've felt like you too. Sometimes I feel like if I quit moving and doing the whole world will fall apart, because I'm the one keeping the world going. Not the real world, of course, but my world, my husband's world, and my children's worlds.
That is a heavy load to bare, trying to keep everything going without loosing a sense of yourself.
I wish I could come over and help you with the house or whatever. Anything to help ease some of your load.
I hope things get better soon!
Although I was older that your daughter when I was diagnosed, I know my mom was still overwhelmed at times (and she is a single mom). With a few tears, we made it through and I know you will too.
Praying for you and your family! <><
You have such a great spirit, I know it is tough but these lives have been put in your hands because it was known you were the strength they needed.
Everything in this world happens for a reason. Sometimes it takes a while to see.....stay strong!
Hang in there Sarah - ang get as much help as you can from everyone around you. Continue asking for help! You DO have a tough situation.
Sarah - you do have a lot going on. But get some strength from the fact that God put these two little angels in your care because he knows you are the best for them.
You can do it, and you are doing it well.
Yes, yes, and yes. And No.
Yes, it is overwhelming. Yes, you take one day at a time. Yes, expectations will get higher -- but they will be different as time moves on. No, it WILL get better, it has to get better. You need time to grieve but you haven't even had time to catch your breath. Those stupid monthly hormones screw up any equilibrium you've been fighting so hard to maintain.
Notes that I am good at writing: "YOU NEED TO COMPLETE" "Thank you for your concern for Sandis's reading skills. I feel very proud of Sandis for completing the amount of January reading that he has completed. We had a few rough days last month and we would like to have a fresh start in February. I hope that we can address this issue in our upcoming IEP." I usually write something like this on the assigment that comes to me but you could just write it on the back side of the February sheet and express your pride for February's work as well!
You ARE a good Mommy! You know you want to scream instead of cuddle so you're head's about ready to explode (throat, chest, temples -- I feel like my eyes want to pop too when I'm there) So scream! If you can't get Bob to take the kids for a walk (or short drive or something) to give you 15 minutes alone to scream/cry/weep/mope tell the kids that you are feeling very sad and overwhelmed and that you are going to give yourself time to be sad. Then scream into a pillow & punch the heck out of it. Explain later (or before) that everyone gets frustrated and it's o.k. to let yourself be sad and frustrated. I try and convince myself that I'm teaching a valuable lesson but I'm not always sure. When Sandis is overwhelmed and has a tanturm you are understanding give yourself permission to do this for yourself -- ask them to be understanding when you need some time to decompress -- I don't tell them why I am overwhelmed or try and explain what they don't need to know but they do need to know that it's O.K. to let yourself be sad & overwhelmed and then get back to "normal". Offer everybody the opportunity to scream into a pillow with you and then spend some time after you are done to talk about your favorite things & what makes you happy. Go look at your favorite things post!
O.K. The screaming doesn't always work the first time after I've let it build up for too long and sometimes my head feels worse that day but in the morning the clouds look a little less bleak. I wish I could babysit for you! We could take turns! But since we're not near each other don't waste that Respite on housecleaning! You are doing what you can and you are more important than a clean house! Find something fun.
Now, excuse me. I need to take my own advice. Wish me luck.
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