I wish I were not a weak human being. I wish I were a strong human being with endless reserves of patience, love, and compassion. I wish I could take all of your quirks, all of them, and embrace them as they are part of you. A part of me, as you are a part of me, and all that is you, is a part of me.
I hate hating when you don’t respond to me. I hate to see your eyes glazed. I hate to see you gazing off, at what no one knows. I hate not being able to pierce your world. I hate knowing the why, but still not being able to control my anger. I wish you would look at me when I talked to you. I wish you were “here” with me.
It isn’t that there are not times where you are so engaging, so loving, so involved with me. It is that I don’t know how to handle the times that you aren’t. My life doesn’t stop because you can’t engage. I don’t want to be angry with you, ever. I want to let you sit. I want to let you think. I want to let you be you. And it just seems that sometimes I can’t. Sometimes I roar. It hurts me so much to hear myself.
This is not just autism. This is not just I the shoulds, needs, and coulds. This is me. This is you. And even though I know the why…..I still haven’t figured out the how……
How do I break into your world? How do you break into mine? How do we meet in the middle? How do I slow down? How can you speed up (and slow down, depending on the day)?
When will everything just be okay? Or more importantly, how can I let everything be okay?
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4 comments:
It's a fine balance that I think we're ALL working on.
I remember when mine were first diagnosed and we started going to speech therapy [individual one on one.] In the waiting room, I'd be all over them like a rash trying to extract words. I couldn't understand why all the other parents weren't doing the same thing?
That kind of behaviour isn't sustainable long term. I wish I could employ a professional full time for every waking hour that they have but......
Best wishes
Autism is a very hard battle - but with the will there is a way to approaching, maybe not fully reaching, your son. Sarah, you are trying so hard. Accept that you are doing your best.
I think that acceptance is the key and if you accept him fully and accept that you are doing the best that you can then you will find peace. Sarah, you are doing an awesome job and it is the best that you can do. I wish that I had some words of wisdom to share with you but alas, I do not.........sorry. Hang in there and remember that your blogger friends are here for you.
Sarah, I didn't mean to imply that you have not accepted your son, sorry 'bout that. I know that you have. I only meant that if you accept that you are doing the best that you can then you can have peace of mind.
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