Health care is a basic human right, not a privilege. For some reason, we’ve allowed ourselves as Americans to be fooled into accepting that one must be blessed with “means” to actuate appropriate health care. As a nation we have failed to realize that our health care system is a barometer of our society’s value for human life.

-Me

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

177

Gracie's two hour PP tonight was 177. I feel like crying. This is the highest it has ever been.

I don't want to be strong. I want to cry. I don't want to be invincible mommy, I want to cry. Thank God my kids are asleep, now I can cry.

All I want to do is cry. This isn't going away. I can't believe that this is happening to my tiny little beautiful peanut. It just doesn't make any sense that it would happen to her.

Somehow I am expected to hold this tender little family together with shoelaces and I don't even want to try. All I want to do is cry. Why me? Why her? Why MY baby? Her life will never be the same. I don't want to do this. I don't want this.

People are going to tell me that we are lucky we caught it early. Will that make it go away?

I'm going to go cry now, so maybe tomorrow, I will make it through until again they are asleep, and I can cry again.

9 comments:

Chrissie in Belgium said...

I am REALLY sorry for the all the trouble coming your way! Sometimes life is really a bummer! I feel with you totally. It doesn't matter if you discovered the D quickly - you just don't want it there at all! SORRY......

Lyrehca said...

I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this.

art-sweet said...

CRAP. I'm so sorry.

Anonymous said...

You can do this, you will do this and you will do it well. Your daughter is going to go through this like we all did and do, but none of us had YOU. You will be her strength and her hope. I hate this, I am crying with you, praying for you, but most of all believing in you. Go buy some cheap dishes, put the kids to bed and break them all...

Minnesota Nice said...

Thinking of you. I will light a candle for you guys tonight.

Kevin said...

I can't imagine what you're going through. A good cry can be cathartic and help build the strength you'll need.

Scott K. Johnson said...

Sarah,

This sucks, and there is no two ways about it.

We're all pulling for you and the family.

You know - she will be Ok. And like anonymous said, she has you, which is more than many of us had growing up.

She sees you doing all of the things she will have to do - and it's less scary to her. It's normal for mom to do it, and it will be normal for her to be just like mom.

And just like you have so many kind and admirable words about watching your mom as you grew up, so will Gracie.

julia said...

I'm so sorry. Cry as much as you need to. I firmly believe there's a need for a grieving period when your child gets diagnosed. You have to grieve what you thought was going to be in order to accept what IS going to be. It sucks, sucks, sucks and it's so hard to say goodbye to what you'd imagined.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry that you and your daughter are going through this and what looks like the inevitable... I've been in your shoes and I cried a lot, felt guilty, etc. Everyone too said well he's got someone to look up to, yes, but he's also got someone to blame...
I'm just going to say stay strong, cry lots when she's not looking and look after yourself.
Cyndi