Trust is defined as (shortened format, but with a list of four, how short is that?)
1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
2. confident expectation of something; hope.
3. confidence in the certainty of future payment for property or goods received; credit: to sell merchandise on trust.
4. a person on whom or thing on which one relies: God is my trust.
This word feels hollow to me. At any point that I have felt the need to say the word, I have been anything but trusting. I have perhaps HOPED that I had the confidence needed to achieve that state of trust, but I lacked the actual state of that word.
The things I truly trust I never question, the word never comes into play in the relationship. It is a given. Things like my paycheck WILL come if I work my hours. I have NEVER (okay maybe once) questioned the arrival of my paycheck from my company. I trust I will wake up in the morning. I trust my alarm will go off (and I am gravely disappointed when it does not!). I trust that insulin will bring my blood sugar downward. I trust that my car will start every morning (and if I don’t I buy a new car…). I trust that Bob will come on the weekends and be my wonderful man. I trust that my children will come to me with kisses. I trust that the floor in my apartment will not fall from beneath my feet. I trust. I trust these things. These tangible, material (for the most part) things.
But do I trust (truly?) that the 250 bucks I took away from my budget can be accommodated? Do I trust that God will provide? Or do I chant that God will provide hoping to convince myself?
Trusting in something means that you have confidence in that something. If I have confidence that God will provide, then I should not worry my head about my budget any longer. Why is that so hard? Why should I have fear when I want to trust so badly? Is it the intangibility of the whole God thing? How do I make God more real in my life? Is that really my question?
There are plenty of day in day out struggles in life. Every day is a struggle. Every day, also, is a blessing. I know, I trust, that making accommodations so I can have the family time I can only have now is the right thing to do. I understand that spending my time cleaning this building when I have no time to play with my children and enjoy their youthful surprises is a personal crime, one for which there is no reprieve from the sentence incurred.
Why does the word infinity often seem so profound when the word finite is so much more applicable to our lives? Have we forgotten that we all eventually die? There is no time……..
I am winding my way back to trust. Because if what I expect to be provided is not, then something else will fill it’s place. Just as suitable and just as appropriate. And I will be spending less time appropriating my budgets as I am spending more time living. Here’s to life. While it lasts.
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4 comments:
Sarah, I cannot express how much I admire the choice you have made. Have been struggling with maknig my own leap of faith (no, not the ski trip), but I'm not there yet. This even after seeing God fill gaps after other leaps in incredible ways. You are not alone in having difficulty with this. But I do belive He is patiently waiting for both of us, and faithful enough to overcome our lack of trust.
God is always faithful. We too re-adjusted our budget after I decided to quit teaching after 15 years to stay home with our youngest who has autism. I LOVED teaching. I felt like God had called me to teach and be an advocate specifically for minority, low-income, at risk kids. For 15 years I trusted that call. Now I trust in His desires to really focus on my family right now, minus a teachers salary. God will provide. You are awesome and can do it.
It will all work out. It always does - one way or another.
Not always the way we want it to or expect it to, but somehow we make it.
Look at all you've already been through in your life. This is nothing. $250?! Puh-lease.
Sarah
I've always found that God is good to those who trust Him. Sometimes that goodness is not obvious until later, but He does take care of us.
I hope and pray that you manage without the second job. Let us know how it's all going.
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