My Responsibility to the Public

I just had a conversation with a coworker that made my blood boil. I decided to take this conversation and turn it into an opportunity to share with you what my responsibilities are to the general public in regards to my children, both with varying types of childhood disabilities. (The intent here is not to debate the degree of disability in my children, but merely to communicate where my responsibilities as a parent truly are).

A comment made by my coworker was along these lines: “If you have your child in a store or a public restaurant or area and they are making other people uncomfortable, or having a fit, you should take them home. You should not allow your child to be inappropriate and disruptive while out in public and it is your responsibility as a parent to remove them from the situation and not allow them to act like that.” Woah nelly. The whole thing came from an event she was relaying to me about how a three year old and her family was thrown off a plane because of a temper tantrum the child was having. She left out, until much later in the conversation, that the family was accommodated with tickets to a different flight with presumably less passengers on it. Perhaps that worked for the family, but for me, my initial response was “What? If they tried to do that to me they’d have a lawsuit on their hands. If one of my children is having a meltdown it is more than likely due to external reasons and they need to be helped through the situation, helped to feel safe, and they need to know that in the midst of their meltdown their parent is there to help them, not isolate them because of their inability to modulate their emotions properly. In addition, if my son were having a meltdown before a flight and I was kicked off of a plane with no accommodations for a different flight then they would have a discrimination suit on their hands. My son’s differing ability to process external stimuli is no reason to exclude him from activities.”

There is SO much that goes into this, so please excuse me if I don’t go into all analytical aspects of my debate. Suffice it to say that I have so many times been in a store, restaurant, etc and been the recipient of rude and hurtful remarks regarding the behaviors of my son or daughter. I try to arrange my schedule in such a way that my son is in stores very little, and when he is at the most opportune times for his best behavior, but there is always those exceptions. Add to that, how will he ever learn to integrate his senses and behaviors in these most challenging environments if he is never exposed to them? Each visit to a store or restaurant is challenging for my son, and it is also challenging for every other person at the store. Is that a reason to deny him the opportunity of experiencing those environments? Absolutely not.

Following the conversation were stories of being in the store and witnessing mom’s with toddler’s and children’s tantrums. I hear the judgement in my coworkers voice, and I’m thinking in my head “Do you know how many times that has been me?”. Then I’m thinking of the mother and the child, and I’m imagining the pain they go through with each of these experiences. If it is difficult for onlookers and other shoppers, imagine how difficult it is for the people actually IN the situation?

I feel tears in my eyes, and I feel the beginnings of anger. Anger that other people don’t think that my son should be allowed in stores or restaurants so THEY don’t have to feel uncomfortable. I’m angry that my daughter, who also has high sensory integration needs, is judged by behaviors that at this point she can’t help. I’m angry that someone wants to tell me I don’t belong in the store because of my children’s disabilities. And it pisses me right off.

And next time….Next time we have a melt down in the store (and there WILL be a next time) I am not going to be ashamed. I am going to ignore people’s stares. I am going to offer my children the love and support they need to get through this most stressful time. That is my responsibility to the public, right there. My responsibility is to raise children who are not necessarily appropriate as children, but to raise them in such a way so that as adults they are as appropriate, socially and morally whole, and as independent as they can be. What will YOU be doing when the next meltdown happens? Will you be judging my parenting skills? Or….will you be thinking about this post, and wondering how you can help? Will you say a prayer for our tender souls and bid us well as we learn and grow?

I hope you will. In times like those, I need those prayers much more than the judgements.