My Blessings

I give myself license to be sad. I’m not depressed. I’m very happy with how life is moving forward and the care I have been establishing for both my pumpkin and my peanut. I can be sad and I can grieve and then I can get up and go about my business, because what needs to be done will always need to be done until it is done.

I applied for SSI for Sandis today. This was an interesting experience. It was interesting because I don’t consider Sandis disabled, but I went to the Social Security office to apply for federal welfare for a disabled child. I guess it all has to do with politics and jargon. What will qualify a child for SSI is different from what I consider disabled. Also, qualifying for SSI will allow Sandis to have the services now that he needs so that he can function at an independent level (or as close to it as possible) as an adult. That is what we want, right? So I go in and I try to establish that disabled label for Sandis, all the while my insides revolting with the litany of “He.can.be.whatever.he.wants.to.be.He.will.be.whatever.he.wants.to.be.Sandis.will.be.all.that.he.hopes.for.and.God.will.bless.him.with.more.” What is circling in my head is different from what I have to tell this Social Security interviewer. I am conflicting and it gives me a headache, makes me fidgety. It was a hard, draining experience. But it is over now, and all I have to do now is fax in remaining IEP documents and medical records as I receive them. We are on our journey. We already were, but we have completed one additional leg.

Amidst feeling overwhelmed yesterday and today, and the sadness resting heavily on my temples, I realized that all of these things that have made me sad and overwhelmed are also in so many ways my blessings. Despite Sandis’s difficulties, I honestly wouldn’t change him. He is my pure of heart little boy with joy and energy that will move mountains (literally and figuratively perhaps?). Gracie’s diabetes and joint problems only serve to tug her closer to my heart. The therapy she undergoes now and the regimen for her diabetes care she will always have to follow will foster in her an outstanding and unusal perserverence, organization, and strength. Each moment I spend amidst their giggles, their screams (concerning some sibling outrage), their snuggles, and their energy is a moment well spent.

I asked Sandis a month or so ago if he chose me, or if I chose him, and he had responded with: “You chose me, mommy, duh!” I knew he was right, I had asked for him. In a broader sense, I know I also chose my peanut and her challenges. I am suited to her, and she to me. She challenges me in ways that only she can. My children’s challenges are my journey, my lessons, and my blessings. Isn’t it amazing how God works?

There is a psalm I recant in my head at times: “For I am still confident that I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord. Be strong, and have faith, and wait for the Lord.”

I end in my thoughts my own added phrase: “For God has not forgotten me…..”

I am not forgotten, and our journey has only just begun!